Is New Philadelphia Union Mascot An Abomination Or Greatest Mascot Ever? By TRAVIS YOESTING

So back in 1999, I was absorbed into the world of EverQuest. The forbearer to the megahit World of Warcraft, EQ was the first commercially successful 3D MMORPG. You could be a valiant knight or an evil necromancer, a noble elf or a nasty troll. You would start off a weak level one character fighting bats and spiders and work your way up to level 50 to fight dragons and even the gods themselves. I was smitten.
You could also get kicked by snakes.
Nearly 20 years after the denizens of Norrath were first kicked by snakes in EverQuest (and more than 10 years after the producers of the game fixed the “bug” that allowed snakes to kick), Major League Soccer is getting its first kicking snake.
Earlier this week, the Philadelphia Union unveiled its second mascot, Phang, an anthropomorphized snake with a sweet golden Mohawk, long red tongue and an in-your-face attitude.
But, author of this fine piece of literature, you might ask, what does a snake with arms and legs have to do with Philadelphia and the Union? Well my dear sir or madam, let me tell you a tale.
See, Phang was born on the banks of the Delaware, the ancestor of the snake Benjamin Franklin used to draw the famous “Join Or Die” political cartoon, first published in the Pennsylvania Gazette in 1754. “Join Or Die” in Latin (Jungite aut Perite) is the official motto of the Philly Union. Phang was a normal snake with no arms or legs, but the only thing he ever wanted in his life was to play soccer. Sadly, one needs legs to play soccer.